Beautiful Mistake

A Better Than Ezra title that carries a huge significance at the moment. I can't possibly catch up on all that has happened since my second project, so I'll just let you in on the general skinny. I had a meltdown over the second project. The graders came in on Monday afternoon and bitched at us about how poor the projects were. I had 172 slides plus the repository. I never worked harder on anything before in my entire life. It was turned in late because of a teammate, and I seriously considered just saying screw it. Obviously, I didn't, and I'm asking for another as the final project of the semester will be assigned tomorrow. (later today technically) As for why the song title fits, well, I just made a beautiful mistake. You see, I have this problem in life to be quite honest. I'm much like my mother. She tried love many times before she found the right one for her. I think I take after her in a lot of ways. I'm a bit sensative like her. I definitely took after her aptitude and thirst for knowledge. I'm afraid that I also have been given the difficult challenge of finding love as she did. I'm a bit tipsy right now after a long day, so I think I'll spill my guts. See, as far as finding girls to date, well, it's not that bad I guess. There have been very few girls in which I honestly, balls to bones, really thought that something might come of me dating them. My beautiful mistake tonight, well, her name is Beth. This is the second time that I've been involved with Beth, and I'm dealing with it horribly. See, she doesn't want a relationship. I, however, do. I've come to this conclusion after years of avoiding them. I either subconciously avoided them, I didn't pick up on the subtle hints that girls leave (I believe this to be the part of life that I am most stupid at), or I choose the wrong ones. Maybe on purpose. It's something of a mystery to me. At times I feel like I can be the most unattractive person on earth. Do I ever let that show to anyone? No. Absolutely not. The truth is though, that for a long time now I have really wanted love. I haven't found it, and I am not sure that I could find it here where I am now. I found one special person here in Tuscaloosa, but she is gone. I am not sure where my lot is in life regarding this part of life's journey. I think about that person on a daily basis, and I haven't found anyone who makes my heart race the way she did. Sad thing is, I haven't spoken to her in a very long time. I probably never will again in fact. I am very focused on finishing my time here at the University, but at the same time I'm reaching the age where this is important. I can't help but feel as if my past haunts me in my pursuit of finding a mate. That's really where the "Beautiful Mistake" part of this entry comes in you see. I'm hesitant at writing it, but so few read this that I won't be bothered by it. You should hear the song in order to grasp why I choose that song with those lyrics. I have a certain past you see. As I said, I'm much like my mother who chose love in the wrong places and people many times over. What not many people know is how those decisions of love affected me. My mother, well, chose poorly. I suffered, quite literally, due to her choice in men. I will not subject my children to such a life. The song 'Beautiful Mistake' goes out to a man named Joseph Phillips, father of my half sister Ashley. See, I had been abused before by my other half brother's dad, Marty, but nothing like Joseph Phillips. He was a great manipulator. He's the best I've ever seen at it, and probably why I can be persuasive in many situations. I shouldn't give him that credit though. I had to endure his abuse of my mother twice, but I never let him touch my siblings. They were too young to realize it, but I think it was one of my true colors shining through in life. One thing I am in life is loyal. One of the reasons I have come to adore the Harry Potter series is because of the ideals that J K Rowling supports throughout her novels. It contains everything that really matters. Sacrifice for your family, endurance through trials and tribulations of situations that you have no control over, and many other deep subjects that I would have never been broached by had I not had the foresight to ignore the hype behind the whole series. That's the real thing that I adore about it. It's so real the topics that she touches, but she masks it behind such a brillant and creative mind and topic. Anyway, some of the things, behaviorally, that I developed in childhood has a lot of impacts on the person that I am today. I believe that holds true for a lot of people. (So too, apparently, does my favorite author) I can be shy when I really like someone. I can be overbaring to people that I don't like. I have huge trust issues. Mostly though, I fear for what may come of something or someone that I don't know. I really think about possibilities that most people don't think of on just an encounter. Tonight, I had intimate moments with someone that I have no intention of pursuing. Most guys would think it awesome. I think it awful. I think I did it out of loneliness. It gets difficult when you work and slave in my major all the time. I also do it because I don't want to make the mistakes that were made when I was little. This is not a great entry for entertainment's sake, but what can I say? I long for someone to come along that I can really cherish, hold, and who will understand me in the deepest sense possible. I want I guess what most good people want. Someone to share a life with who won't betray your deepest form of trust. That and graduation. Those are the things most important to me right now, and things that I still strive to attain. I think that these desires is what seperates me from people like Joseph Phillips. People that don't see their only daughter on earth. People who don't care if they mortally injure children, or how bad they wound their mate. People who I just want to tell 'now you come around, now you come around. Back to this town, we are your beautiful mistake'.