Dry Your Eyes

You're well out of order now, this is well out of town. This post has a hint of that to it. It's playing right now on iTunes, and honestly I'm having a hard time parting with it. (by a band called 'The Streets' if anyone is curious) So, I went from Kim offering me the digits to her telling me she has a boyfriend. I have NO idea what the hell is up with that, thus the first line in this entry. I'm not really upset about it, but the song has come across me a couple of times today. I just don't get women. Speaking of women, I have to give a shout out to a couple of cool ones in life who apparently peek in on me and my blog sometimes. First, I'll shout out to Jo. I should say Joanna Huckins. I go WAY back with Jo, way back in the Cancun days. The early Cancun days at that. I have honestly always thought that she is the coolest chick that I've ever met. We seem to have a lot in common, and while I think she might think that she was only in my life for a while because she was always around Tom, the truth is that I admired her from the start. She's a good soul, a bit of a partier (at times, *cough* *cough*), and pretty thoughtful from my experiences. She was one of those people that affected you in a way that she'd never know unless you tell her. Maybe our words weren't at a high count when we hung out all the time back in the day Jo, but believe me I'm glad that you're back in my lime light, if only through an internet window and email from time to time. The other shout out goes to Karen Peterson. Karen is a very empathetic, kind soul that is understanding of any problem that you have, no matter how miniscule it seems to you when you look back on it. She listened to my skin-deep problems over and over. There were many times when I felt like she and her boyfriend (now husband) Mark could relate to me when there weren't others around that were mature enough to handle it. Karen, I was proud to be a part of your wedding, and I hope you are as happy today as you were pretty that day. I appreciate you guys, and though it's not much, here's a blogs away to you both. These two girls really never got to know me on a deep level. Honestly, most people are unaware of my past horrors. I don't really get into the real problems behind my frowns. Some people thought that I was struggling with the job search, school, and personal affairs of the heart back when I spent my time with these two. What they didn't know was that the father figure in my life (other than my dad but who raised me just as much, my grandfather) passed away that year, and I had a very difficult, well tumultuous honestly, time getting over that. I was a miserable human being for a while there, even though most people didn't know it. I keep most really important things like that to myself. Almost every friend that I have, except for one I think, have no idea about my childhood or things like that. I just let out hot air to cover the things that are really bothering me. I'm just weird like that. Well, I've not got a lot of news. I might go to the UT-BAMA game this weekend with Daniel. I am gonna go to the BTE concert on Thursday as well. School has calmed down a little since the midterm hell. It's gonna get busy again next week though. It's gonna be absolute hell. Oh, well, I kinda did hit on this chick tonight. It was funny. She parallel parked next to Brad who had pulled me from my group meeting to give me some canned veggies he had brought from home (that I just realized I have to go get from my car, ha ha, typical dj) and anyway, I got out of the way from Brad's trunk just in case. So she pulls in and we started chatting. I left a cute little note on her windshield. Don't remember what it said, but I remember it was clever and Brad laughed. Kinda fun. I don't get to do that often 'cause I'm so busy. That's about all that happened today worth telling. That was barely worth it, but what can I say? I'm just bored to tears with work these days. Somebody just needs to tell me 'dry your eyes mate'.

3 AM

I see that hour a lot more now than I used to, I'll tell you that much. This weekend has been pretty good. I got to hang out with Zack after he got back from California. He asked me to pick him up from the airport on Thursday, and told me that he wanted to stay down for the homecoming festivities. I agreed. Partly because I don't really have the money to go home this weekend, and then turn around and go to the UT game with Michael Finley and Daniel next weekend. Also, partly because of a run-in that I had with my neighbor. Kim is a bit of a mystery to me quite honestly. I think I kinda like her, but I know that I'm way too busy to commit myself to anyone very seriously. I just don't have the time. After Marina, I've felt that way a bit. Every time that I've been on the verge of asking Kim out, with one exception, something has came up where I didn't make firm advances. I brought her some flowers a week or more ago, and she didn't answer the door. So, I just said to myself, 'well, she's not interested, so forget it'. Then, she sees me and thanks me for the flowers and says she was in her pjs and didn't wanna come to the door, and offered me her number. I didn't take it though. I just told her that I would see her around this weekend. Well, Zack has been in town, and she's had company too. I just don't know if it's worth pursuing. So, there's the latest on that stuff. We beat the crap out of Southern Piss. Our defense is probably the best in the SEC, if not the country. The problem though you see, is that we have no passing game. What will good teams with smart coaches (like LSU for example) do? Stack the line and make us pass. When that happens, our coaching staff will finally see that Spencer Pennington sucks a big bucket of donkey ass nuggets. Then they'll put in Marc Guillon who is getting no reps, and what do you honestly expect will happen then? I really, really, really don't like our coach I'm afraid to say. He pulls another several dumb moves where he runs like 4 or 5 straight plays, gets into 3rd and long and RUNS again. Then he gets third and short and goes for a 30 yard pass that is picked off. (see previous statement regarding the donkey ass nuggets) Well, I'm going to bed now, so peace out. It's 3 AM, and I must be lonely.

Vindicated

That song fits the early morning. I have slept two hours in the last (shy be two hours) four days. I am going to turn in my project in MIS this afternoon, and I just went and got it bound. It's the friggin' thickest thing I have ever seen. J R Tolkien would be proud of how thick that thing is! I'm deliriously tired, but I am very proud of all of the work that I have done for this project. I am in need of a shower which I'm about to take, but I have really worked harder on this than I have anything else before in any moment of my life. I'm just speechless. I just really wanted to get a post in concerning my project. As of right now, it's in the early stages as if it will get carried out by the MIS Capstone seniors, the ones about to graduate. I'm really pumped about it though. I made it happen with my teammates. All of us came up with a company, sales proposals, and the whole lot and something real could very well come out of it and affect everyone that reads this. It's just cool stuff. I'm gonna try to catch my 5 hours of sleep real quick now though. All those years of waiting to get to this moment and accomplish something, and finally I'm vindicated.

(If you like, you should check it out at http://www.bama.ua.edu/~griff055
it's amazing that it could really happen for us in the department, and definitely see the powerpoint slides that took all my time and work. That, and keep in mind that there were 250 other pages of research appended as a repository in the project, so that's not all of it, but still something I'm proud of)

A Reflection: Forever Begins Right Now

I wrote an entry in my online journal a while back that had a particular meaning in my life that I thought I'd share. I think it was one of my best entries as to how it relates to how I feel, which I don't really let out much. Not the 'I hate Tennessee' (which is quite real, but not exactly a matter of the heart, I keep UT as far away from that as possible) or joking stuff, but the sincere stuff...

Forever Begins Right Now (A song by the artist "Lit")
A good old Lit Title, but unlike the artist this entry has a serious theme.
Three years ago, I sat down and had a long hard look at myself and what I was going to do in this world. I had gone from a useless international relations degree to restaurant work, and I had nothing to show that I was making any progress whatsoever. So, I had a choice. I could either enter the University of Alabama directly, earn a MIS degree, and keep a constant struggle of GPA life support, or I could attempt to go through a very long difficult process that is a program the uni provides to those who are serious about starting fresh for people that genuinely wish to move on to a top graduate school. I guess it's also for those who have hopelessly lost all chances of graduation because their grades would never allow them to do so, but I wasn't in that category. I could have gone through it and still come out and I would have been able to go to graduate school and accelerated my graduation day, but I wouldn't have been able to attain what I want. So, I waited... and waited. In the meanwhile, I went to a po dunk community college taking whatever classes that I hadn't covered in int'l relations that were required understudy for my degree. It took six semesters, an appeal that was submitted to a committee of the highest sort, and a great many other things that I won't go into. Not the least of the things I had to endure was the constant questioning of those that knew me as to when I would get out. That's all anybody ever really cares about. When will you get out... it's because they haven't ever been through it, and sadly most of the time it really doesn't interest them. So I have a quote for all those that have posed the same question to me for so long.
"Slow but steady wins the race" said the tortoise to the hare.
Today, I will set foot on campus again for the first time in three years, and the finish line is in my sight. After that of course, my aim is to get an MBA from a top ten ranked program in the United States. I am really happy that I have clawed my way back in order to do something tremendous with my life. So many, well almost all to be honest, of my friends have desires that are far below the bar that I have set for myself. I'm not saying that in a bad way. Whatever makes you happy is fine by me, but I have it within me to do something truly great in this life. I will meet my just end. Through all of this, I have learned that I truly do love the world of academia. It makes you grow as a person. It makes you less narrow minded. It wards you away from being the person that you always wanted not to become, and it spurs growth in a deeper way than most can understand unless they experience it for themselves. So, this is to the last great adventure of my undergraduate career. I will not rest until it is done. So here's one last quote for you, from a movie that just popped into my head that explains exactly where I am right now in this life...
"Winners forget they're in a race. They just love to run."

What It Is To Burn (Beliefs and Stuff)

Just ask Mike Shula, not Finch. His seat is hotter than the magma seeping up through Mount St. Helens right now. I can relate to the poor guy. I got a C on my computer science exam. It was one of the best scores on the exam, though. Lots of people scored 40, and quite a few in the teens. Sucks to be them, but at the same time, I'm not a C student. The department will probably curve it, but really why will anyone need to know the distance formula for anything practical. (in other words related to MIS or CS?) I mean, unless you're coding a mathematical piece of software, (and how many people do that?!) then it's particularly useless. Oh well. I didn't go to the game this weekend, and thank God for that. Once again I didn't have anyone to go with, and I had lots of work to do on my MIS project. I think my team is going to NUKE that project. The graders seemed impressed with our progress at our meeting tonight. So, my mom and sister call me up tonight during the meeting, and I sorta answered the phone when my mom rang instead of hitting the old faithful 'c' button to get the voice mail to pick up. I called her back, and she was like, 'I thought I heard you going through a class or something'. So, I explained that my major isn't exactly like other majors. I've tried explaining it to people, but for one reason or another they just don't buy it. This major truly seperates the ones that want it from the ones that don't. I have meetings around the clock for one project or the other, and it baffles her that I would be at school from 3 in the afternoon and be there for about 7 hours on a Sunday. It baffles me sometimes as to why I do it, but I have the drive to finish this friggin' thing. I am highly motivated these days though, and I like that. So, funny story... I got to totally piss off another Christian the other day. He proceeds to tell me what a sinner I am (as if I need to be reminded of that fact) and the whole shebang. Well, I happen to know this dude pretty well, and he's gotten head more times than one can count. Because, to him, oral sex isn't sex. First of all, that's called a 'Bill Clinton copout' by yours truly. I mean, come on dude... if Adam and Eve who had just partaken of the fruit of "The Knowledge Of Good And Evil" ie. knowing right from wrong, and they realized that being nude in front of each other wasn't cool in God's eyes... You see where I'm going. So did he. He's just a lot like every other one of them that I meet. He tailors his beliefs to suit his lifestyle, and then proceeds to judge other people. One thing to say, dude get a life and Read Romans chapter 2. They hate it when someone actually knows what's written and can stand up for themselves. They really despise that they can't control you with their idiology. He he. I just had to go off on that little tangent. I have unique beliefs and stances on issues. That's a real problem for a lot of people. It has to be either black or white with most humans. It's not ok just to say "I don't know" or else you get called the nasty "agnostic" term. Life is boiling down to what's important. I'm reaching the age where life should start heading down the road where it was meant to go all along. Honestly, I haven't come across that many people that I'm compatible with, and that might have a lot to do with where I am geographically. It might just be that I have to wait for the right person to ask at the right time in the right place. Kinda like a lot of other things in life, I don't know. Wait, am I allowed to give that opinion? Oh well, I'd much rather give that answer than to have to listen to another person preach to me what it is to burn.

Valuable Memories to Start

Oasis, good stuff. Why did I choose that song? Not because of any person in particular, but memories... I'll get to that in a second. I pulled an all nighter the night before last, and it was the first in a long time. I worked on my MIS project, and my teammates were impressed. I'm not particularly impressed with them at the moment though. They seem more worried about the color scheme than the actual work, which bugs me. I think they got the message yesterday when I showed them all of the work that I put into the project. I think they finally opened their eyes and thought to themselves, 'whoa, i need to get shit done'. I hope that's what they felt anyway. I've been crazy busy, and thank God for that. Other than school work, I don't have anything happening in my life right now. That's sad, but it's just the truth. I'm not really putting myself out there to be honest, and a lot of it is time that I just don't have. I haven't seen the inside of my apartment during conciousness in I don't know how long. I'm kinda lonely, and for someone that makes friends pretty easily that's a hard thing to swallow. Oh well, my MIS and CS projects will keep me company. So, back to the memories. I got to reflecting back on the times in my life that I look back on, and I just don't want them to go away. Things that will stick with me and echo through eternity. There aren't many of those kinds of moments. I don't even mean the kind that you are just having fun, either. I mean the memories that actually had real value and are meaningful to you, be them fun or not. I haven't really tried to put them down in a list or anything, but here are a few that I thought would be nice to write down... 1. Magda told me she loved me: She is to this day the only woman to ever say it and mean it in a romantic way. She wound up not sticking to the commitment, but at the time she really meant it. It is the only time in my life that I really experienced a mutual love. I've had other girls in my life, but nothing where I thought it would actually go anywhere. 2. My time in Switzerland: It was the great adventure of my life. I found out that there is nothing like going to a place where you are totally lost and helpless. I'm a linguist, but I don't speak German. Lots of people there speak English, but you still learn more about yourself when you're helpless than at any other time. It cuts you from groin to sternum, and shows you what you're made of, and I liked myself. That was a turning point in my life. My grandfather had passed away earlier that year, and I was near suicidal for months as he was a father figure in my life. I took that trip in need of finding something special, and I found it. I found myself. Everything changed after that experience, and I haven't looked back since. 3. My first A back: I went through a program at uni to get myself in order, and to be eligible for a good grad school. I went through a lot of crap classes at a community college, but the first of which was a Math class that I needed to get out of the way. I was never particularly interested or gifted at mathematics. I was always a much better communicator and writer than anything else. I took that class, and one which had prior terror in my life. It was my Everest. I got my test back, and I made a 98. I swear to you that I have never been more proud of myself than at that moment. I was almost in tears. I became a better student because of it, and I found that I was good at math after all. I had just never put in enough effort towards it. In fact, I found out later that I was one of the best in my school at it. It was a moment that showed me who I am, not who I used to be. 4. Ryo's departure: I stayed up all night the night before Ryo left to go back to Japan. I made a photo album of all of the memories we held as roommates and fellow students at the university. I handed it to him in the morning, and he left as quickly as he could so that it would be easier on the both of us. I think it was just as hard for him as it was for me. When he left the apartment was empty, and I felt like a hole was thrown right into the very center of my being. It was the second worst goodbye I've ever had to endure. 5. Zack's arrival: Nothing quite comforts you more than the return of an old friend. I had talked to Zack for a long time about coming down to UA, and he had done so the year before. I was overwhelmed and blessed to have my lifelong friend to take Ryo's place. There is nothing like staying up until God knows what hour just talking about life, playing football on the computer all night, and keeping company of a great friend who holds your values. Oh, and a couple of pbj and doritos sandwiches sloshed down with some toilet bowl. Well, I didn't mean to put them in chronological order, but it turned out that way. Those are moments I hang onto sometimes. Those are the kind that fills life up with meaning. It has everything in it that matters. Love that later turns to heartbreak, a turning point and self realization cojoined with confidence, a real accomplishment that only has real value to yourself, a parting, and a reunion. I have been lucky. I've had a good life. I just hope that I have lots of more moments like these, and that they don't go away, kinda like Oasis.